New Rules – 7/11/14

New Rules

Now that there’s been an uproar about all the neocons that lied about the Iraq war, with no consequences, somebody has to tell my where there hasn’t been a similar uproar over all the Republicans who lied about Obamacare, with no consequences.

It’s been 4 years since the bill passed, has anyone come across even one death panel?
The next Liberal to tell a Republican “you’re entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts”, should really just admit they’ve never seen Fox News.

Now I get that neither party has a monopoly on lying and they all do it so often, they’ve invented their own word for it; “I misspoke.” but how come the rule for one party, the Republican party, is that when they get caught in a lie they don’t have to stop telling it?

They said Obamacare would use death panels. It doesn’t. They said it was a government takeover, and the insurance industry is making record profits. They said it covered illegals. It doesn’t. They said it was a job killer. It hasn’t been. They said there were elves who bake cookies in trees. Well, almost…

Now for sure, Obama also told a lie when he said everybody who likes their healthcare plan can keep it. And for about 2% of the population, that did turn out to be false. The difference is he stopped saying it. He stepped up and said “You’re right. My bad.” because he understands there’s this thing called observable reality.

But on the Republican side, observable reality needs more study. Which is why their talking points, which have been disproven, remain! Like a guest whose been asked to leave a party but does not. It reminds me of a horror movie, when you think you’ve killed a lie but it won’t stay dead.

Which is why I call them Zombie Lies. Yes zombie lies.

Remember fracking doesn’t cause earthquakes? Zombie lie! So stop saying it.
Voter fraud? We studied it, it’s not an actual problem. Stop zombie lying about it.
Their entire economic philosophy -cut taxes for the rich and it trickles down- is a zombie lie.
And all these zombie lies are still out there, roaming the countryside. Neither alive nor dead.

Like Dick Cheney.

Hungry for brains, like Dick Cheney.

I mean, we think we’ve eradicated one, but it turns out it’s just lying dormant, in a cave full of bat blood. Like the ebola virus.

…or Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney, who did not even bother in his recent return from the dead to update the lies he told about Iraq the first time. He’s till out there saying “Well Saddam was building a bomb and he was working with al Qua….”

It’s like when Chuck Berry sings about Sweet Little Sixteen. You’re 90, man.

There is no shame in their game. One week they’re out there saying “No one will sign up for Obamacare.” And the next week “Oh, OK, they signed up? OK, but they aren’t paying the premiums. Oh they are? OK. Well, it’s not the young people. Oh, it IS the young people? OK. Uhhh, but it only covers you if you’re Gay….”

You just want to go “Wait! When did we switch over? What happened to yesterday’s lie? It’s still out there forever, like a plastic bag in a tree, but now we’re just using the new one?”

Yes, because what they do is they pass a zombie lie down to dumber and dumber people who believe it more and more.

Hank Poulson may be over the one about Climate Change being a hoax, but it’s still good enough for Sean Hannity. Who then gets quoted by Michelle Bachman. Who forms the intellectual core of thinking for Victoria Jackson.

And when you think the zombie lie has finally gone to die at the Idea Hospice of the absolutely stupidest people on Earth, there it is being retweeted by Donald Trump.


New Rules

Now that a record 58% of Americans support the legalization of Marijuana, the Federal Government has to hurry up and do something about it 

If you work at a market and you see someone shoplifting condoms, let them. If they can’t afford $5.50 for a 3 pack of Trojan Ultra-Ribbed, then I’m pretty sure they can’t afford a baby. 

Tom Hanks has to stop making movies where he gets stuck somewhere. He got stuck in space in Apollo 13. He got stuck on an island in Castaway. He got stuck in the airport in The Terminal. Now he’s stuck on a boat in Captain Phillips. I don’t know if he’s going for an Oscar or ransom. 

Until Ronald McDonald starts paying his employees a living wage, he has to wipe that smile off his face. 
A new study shows the median income for fast food jobs is $8.69 an hour and let’s face it; that is barely enough to gas up the car you are living in. 
Now when it comes to raising the minimum wage, Conservatives always say it’s a non-starter because it cuts into profits. Well, yeah. Of course.Paying workers is one of those unfortunate expenses of running a business. You know, like taxes or making a product. 
You might think that paying people enough to live is so self-evident that even crazy people could understand it, but you would be wrong. 
Michelle Bachman is not only against raising the minimum wage, she’s against having one at all. She once said that if we took away the minimum wage we could wipe out unemployment because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level. 
You could hire everyone if you didn’t have to pay them. 
And naturally Ted Cruz agrees. 
Ted Cruz thinks that it’s a good thing that when his Cuban father came to America, he was paid .50 cents an hour to work as a dish washer. 

When did the American Dream become this pathway to indentured servitude? 
This economic death spiral where workers get paid next to nothing so they can only afford to buy next to nothing so businesses are forced to sell cheaper and cheaper s**t? 
Walmart employees can only afford to shop at Walmart. McDonalds Employees can only afford to eat at McDonalds. 

Even if you’re not moved by the “don’t be such a heartless prick” argument, Consider the fact that most fast food workers, whose average age by the way is 29, so we’re not talking about kids here, are on some form of Public Assistance. Which is not surprising when even working people can’t make enough to live take money form the Government in the form of Food Stamps, school lunches, Housing Assistance and Day Care. 
This is the Welfare that Conservatives hate.But they never stop to think if we raised the minimum wage and forced McDonalds and Walmart to pay their employees enough to eat, the tax payers wouldn’t have to pick up the slack. 

This is the question the right has to answer. Do you want smaller Government with less handouts or do you want a low minimum wage because you cannot have both. If Colonel Sanders isn’t going to pay the lady behind the counter enough to live on, Uncle Sam has to, and I for one am getting tired of helping highly profitable companies pay their workers 

Especially when I don’t even eat at KFC. 


From October 27, 2013

New Rules 5/25

“If not for the coup, err Republican filibuster in Washington that violates the constitution by requiring 60 instead of 50 US Senatorial votes to pass a resolution, these things would have passed under Obama’s first term as POTUS: 

A Market based system to control carbon emissions which would have revitalized the Clean Energy SectorA Public Option in the Health Care BillThe Dream Act; Undocumented Immigrants who serve 2 years in the US Military can go to collegeElizabeth Warren would have been head of the Environmental Consumer Protection BureauThe Carried Interest Tax Break would be gone 

In the first 50 years of the filibuster it was used 35 times, in the last 2 years, over a hundred. 

Mitt Romney, a Mormon believes that the throne of God resides on Planet Kolob. WTF?? 

Newt Gingrich calls Obama The most Radical Leftist President in historyMark Rubio calls him the most divisive figure in historyMichelle Bachman says he’s the most radical President we have ever seen in the history of the countryJohn Bolton said Obama just doesn’t care about National Security 

How can a guy, Barack Obama make these people feel that America has changed so completely and yet make me feel like it’s barely changed at all. 

I travel all over this country doing stand up and since Obama has been President, and what!!?? It’s still the exact same Kentucky Fried Country it has always been.I see it. People driving their cars to the mall buying stupid s**t, stuffing their faces, taking pictures. The only difference is now we all bump into each other more, because now we’re all texting.We haven’t lost our freedoms. I’m pretty sure the only things Obama has killed are Bin Laden and Donald Trump’s last shred of dignity. 

If Obama were as radical as they claim, here is what he would have already done; Pulled the troops out of Afghanistan, given us Medicare for all, ended the Drug War, cut the Defense Budget in half, and turned Dick Cheney over to The Hague. 

Here’s what Obama actually did; He cut taxes and spending, Look at this graph: 

These bars show the growth in Federal Spending for each President. Obama is at the bottom. Yes, the Black man’s is the shortest. He didn’t go on a spending spree. He didn’t break up the “too big to fail” banks. They’ve only gotten bigger. And fail-ier. That’s not what Liberals wanted; that’s what Conservative wanted.  

At the 28th Convention, Sarah Palin chanted “Drill baby drill!” Under Obama there’s more drilling than ever. That’s not what Environmentalists wanted; that’s what Conservatives wanted. Obama spent most of last year conceding the Republican premise that Government needed cutting. That’s not what Progressives wanted; that’s what the Tea Party wanted.The Dow was at 7949 when he took office. Now it’s at 12,000 and over. Corporate profits are at their highest ever. If Obama is a Socialist. He’s a lousy one. 

He could not be less threatening if he was walking home with Iced Tea and Skittles. 

So the question remains, how can YOU guys be so unhappy with Obama when I’M so unhappy with Obama. You think you got coal in your stocking? I wanted Single-Payer Health Care, a Carbon Emissions bill, Gun Control and legalized pot. If YOU get to carry around all this outrage over me getting that s**t, shouldn’t I have gotten it?  

So, just admit it. This isn’t about what Obama is; it’s about what you need him to be because hating him is what gets you up in the morning. And Ted (Nugent), you don’t have to fear what happens if the Democrats are re-elected, because they don’t have any ideas anyway. I could understand your paranoia that they have a secret plan, because they sure as s**t don’t have a public one. Can anyone tell me what the Democrats want to do? The best I can come up with is ‘Elect Us! We may be lame, but the other guys are nuts.'”

Bill Maher 5/25


From May 27, 2012