Sixty Five Dollars Expanded

Wow, some people think I’m on the verge of suicide, so I want to explain the previous post. 

I Can’t Pay My Bills

I barely break even on each of them and I’ve cut out as much dead weight as I can. I’m even trying to lure a 2nd room mate in here, but I’ll have to give up the bedroom that’s supposed to be for my kids, meaning them doing over-nights could be jeopardized. 

I’m Not Healthy

In the spring, I started doing P90X and I was killing it; for about a month. I could really feel a transformation too, but then, it just stopped and I haven’t been able to start it up again. In the mean time,  I can’t afford to eat healthy, so I live on frozen dinners, frozen pizza and junk food, trying to keep my weekly shopping budget to what I can afford; approximately 40.00 a week. 

I Can’t Find Any Motivation

And that’s the truth. I just can’t seem to do anything. 

I Procrastinate To A Fault

See above. 

I Hate How My House Looks.

It’s not a mess, but it’s not clean. I struggle to just put the laundry away. The belt broke on my vacuum, 3 months ago. I haven’t fixed it. I started remodelling the bathroom. Can’t seem to get up enough to finish it. I’d KILL to rearrange the living room, and I can’t take 5 minutes to figure out how. 

I Don’t Have A Single Close Friend

I actually do have a few good friends. Chef Kevin and Kevster are at the top of that list, but it’s not like a best, life long friend that I see so many people have. I don’t. Not one 

I Don’t Know Love

This is a tough one. I meet women I’m interested in, and not one, not one is interested back. In fact, they seem turned off by the idea. And any that ARE interested in me, are usually the lowest common denominator. I feel like I must be the least attractive person on he planet. I can’t even stand how I look, when I see pictures of myself. I just feel like no one loves me. No one. 

I Hate My Job & I Hate My Boss

Those go together. I LOVE the work I do, but I hate where I do it. My boss is so self-righteous, treats everyone like shit. Like he’s better than us. And he sits there and watches all of us struggle to get by, all of us, and will NOT lift a finger to give any of us a single dime more. On top of that., we don’t get paid vacations. We don’t get paid holidays (Which will kill most of us over the next 6 weeks), we don’t get insurance. Miss 3 hours in a week, and he takes a dollar an hour away for that week. 8 hours means 2 dollars an hour, or down to minimum wage for most of the people there. He only allows 2 excused instances of missing time a year. a YEAR! That means every time I go to court now or anything related to that, I lose an extra 40 bucks for the week, on top of the time missed. I can’t even afford to get sick. 

I Hate Most Of My Co-workers

Most of the people I work with have been in and out of jail, battled addictions, and are the shadiest people you’d ever want to meet. Note, some of my co-workers, I really like. 

I Hate My Neighbors

They’re all either loud, filthy, nosy or live in one of the three crack houses on the block. 

I Can’t Build My Website.

I started one, to turn into a personal portal and portfolio for my work, but I’m lost on the design, and I can’t find the inspiration to get it finished. 

I Hate Peoria

I just do. I just… do. I miss home so much. I can’t believe how home sick I am, and I can’t even afford to go visit. 

I Can’t Find A Better Job

I have looked and looked and looked. Until I moved here, I never, one time, didn’t get a job that I tried for, and I need to go back to my part time job, but the district manager, who I got along with fine, never returns my calls. 

I Haven’t Seen My Kids In Months

Bridget does this. She just arbitrarily stops letting me see them for extended periods, and gets away with it, every single time. My kids and I had this awesome bond, and she has made it her mission to drive wedge between us, and that just kills me. And no body takes her to task for it. No body. She just gets away with whatever she wants. Out of all the things I listed that I hate, none come close to how much I hate her. If she would just die, my life would improve, vastly. Somehow she made it through child birth. Maybe she’ll go back to drinking herself to death, if I’m lucky. 

I’m In A Dark Place I Can’t Get Out Of. & I’m So Lost

I just feel lost. So lost and empty. And I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I’m So Lonely

I can’t even find the words to cover that one. I am, so lonely. 

I Feel Like I’m Dying, Slowly

Sometimes, I lay here and I swear I can fell the life slowly draining out of me. 

I Don’t Understand How I Got Here.

Not to be confused with I don’t know how I got here. I know how. I made some very wrong decisions, and it all started when I let myself get involved with my kids mother. My life was so good before that and continually just gotten worse and worse and worse since. What I don’t understand is why did do that? Why?? I NEVER made stupid decisions like that before. I’d NEVER have let myself get involved with someone as chaotic and out of control. What the fuck was I thinking? And how do I ever recover? How the hell do I get out of this crux I’m in? 

I Cry, A lot.

That is an understatement. I cry all the time. I see a movie where people fall in love and I cry. I see people’s losses, and I cry. I look at the ruins that my life has become and I cry like a little kid. Sobbing, tears streaming down my face and I wish I could disappear and pull the my whole life in behind me as I go.

 

From November 20, 2011

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